Erica was immediately smitten with Valerie: “She’s just a wonderful person. I could tell that right away. I was awestruck!” Valerie was more cautious: “I didn’t want to get hurt.” They met in Alcoholics Anonymous. Neither had been in love before. Their recovery, and the self-examination that went with it, provided them with a bond and a basis for their friendship.
There are a number of other parallels in their lives. Neither liked or felt close to her father. Each has an older brother with whom she is close. Both were outstanding athletes as school girls. Being a good athlete brought with it the fear of standing out for Erica; it provided a release for Valerie. They continue to play sports, particularly softball. Last year, Erica was chosen as her league’s Most Valuable Player, her “happiest sports memory.”
Neither woman felt she “fit in” as a child. Each felt uncomfortable with her physicality and aptitude for sports. Each knew from the time she was a girl that she was “different.” As Valerie says, “I didn’t know there was a name for it. I knew that there was something wrong with it. It was a secret that you couldn’t tell anybody.” Erica was confused by and ashamed of her feelings. It was not until she stopped drinking that she realized that what she had been trying to block out was the fact that she was a lesbian.
Their lives are good and their relationship is good. They like their jobs: Valerie works in educational testing, and Erica works as a special education teacher. But they continue to be frustrated by the secrecy of their relation-ship. They wish to tell friends and be more open with their brothers. It is this need to make a public declaration of their bond which fuels their desire to get married. As a gay couple who wanted to get married a few years ago explained to a judge in San Francisco, they feel the need to declare themselves “kin” to each other, to be recognized as a family.
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